Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
