i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
