I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
