mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Someone came in the potted fern
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
