between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
