i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
