dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
