i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
she pinky promised me she was 18
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
