my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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