he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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