I am puke
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
My dad is sitting where you rode me
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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