I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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