4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I am mentally ready for anal.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
