Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
