i think my tv is drunk
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
My vagina just clenched in fear
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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