Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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