I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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