Don't make out with my wife yet
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
