There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
