if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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