you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
