I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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