I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Do vagina's smell?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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