Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Everyone says I win the strip club
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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