my phone needs a breathalizer
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
