Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
