I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
