Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
