I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
