you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
