On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
