John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
