got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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