I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Randomize
