I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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