At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
