I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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