what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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