Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
