Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
