Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
