my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
