if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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