It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
