Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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