She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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