Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
