sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
