I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
