He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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