I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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