I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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