Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Bring me that man meat
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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